I know I am married to a wonderful man whom I love very much.  I know I am loved in return.  And he’s an amazing father, great provider, all that we look for in our mate.

I also know I’ve not felt this alone in our marriage in some time.  I am hurting.   I suppose I could say this stems from the argument that was had in silence last night.  And, in reality, that certainly has something to do with it.  But it’s more than that.  It’s the pattern of anger that he’s been showing lately, and the inability I have to cope with it.  The peacemaker in me wants to smooth things over, and make it better.  But, ignoring the problem does not make it go away.

My biggest problem right now is communicating the problem.  How do you communicate when the other party simply walks away and says, “I’m not going to fight with you”?  Or when my hurt runs so deep I simply want to lash back at him to make sure he’s hurting just as badly?  How do you explain what you know is the problem when the symptoms of reality overshadow?

I should make clear that my husband is not abusive in any way, shape, or form.  He’s never hit or hurt a single one of us.  Simply put, his standards are so high, I feel as though I will never reach them.

Part of my aloneness comes from feeling that God isn’t really ready to answer my prayers right now.  How many years I have been praying for my husband’s ability to forgive, heal, and move forward?  Suffice it to say that his childhood was less than 5-star.

And so I know I see why he loses his temper easily.  I can see it coming a few weeks away when the stress of life puts our marriage in a pressure cooker.  He can’t see it though.  And, hence the communication issue.  This is how he saw life dealt with, and how he continues to deal with his own life during high stress times.

I’m rambling.  I know it can be hard to follow.  But I think we’ve all had these issues in our marriage; times when we have forgiven an issue so often that we feel entitled to NOT forgive this time.  Times when we believe our anger is justified and forgiveness may actually hinder honest communication about a hard issue.

These are the moments I want God to touch his heart–make my  husband see what’s happening without me having to say something.  And I want God to search my heart; help me to see where I have been wrong in the situation so I can be right again with my husband.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Ps. 139:23-24

Perhaps you struggle with forgiveness today as well?  This is what God commands of us–to seek Him and allow him to search our hearts for our stubborness, our wrongs.  And allow Him to do His work with my husband without my help.

The apology is going to start with me.